Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
