Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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