You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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