Fine. I'll sleep in my office
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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