Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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