so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
