i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
