I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
