He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
