I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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