my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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