I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
