And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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