I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
