I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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