a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
