Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Oh god it's open bar.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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