if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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