For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
