Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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