Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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