Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
