id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
