Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
