just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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