I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
