you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
