Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
