i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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