you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
