: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
