Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
