I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
