Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
