He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
