Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
