i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
