last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
