things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
