so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
