That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
