please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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