Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
