I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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