dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
