So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
