I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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