Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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