What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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