i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
